mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
