Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I have tasted many bathrooms
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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