dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
