I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
