I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wish you could order shots online.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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