I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
