My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
