yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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