I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
