Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
