when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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