dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
