We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
