On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
