just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
