I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
