i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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