He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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