I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?