In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair