you guys were way drunker than both of me
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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