the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
