he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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