just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
