Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
