i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
