If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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