Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
