TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
