so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
