i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
