New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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