Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
