Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
