Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The best revenge is premature balding
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
