you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
