I wish I could teleport
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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