Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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