Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
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