a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
