I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
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