Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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