Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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