If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
