I can't watch pbs sober anymore
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
