I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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