i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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