Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
