i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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