I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
