new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
