no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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