I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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