He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
