At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
