I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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