I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
