For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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