if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
