Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
